Well the weekly words have been a little slow in coming recently but I wanted to pass on a few observations this week that might be helpful.

Its a strange time right now with businesses reopening (very inconsistently) throughout the nation and throughout the world.  Our lives have been severely disrupted since the middle of March--or longer. At least 10 weeks. And there is still no real end in sight. The uncertainty about whether we will ever get back to "normal" continues.

And I think its just starting to sink in to everyone just how much we have lost. The massive loss of lives is sobering. The severe illness in so many is very disturbing too.

But the severe restrictions on all of us to stay at home; stop going to school; stop going to work; stop going out to socialize; stop congregating in any locale--having taken a huge tool too. Massive unemployment has resulted, and only some of those who have been laid off have been re-hired. People have not only lost loved ones but they have in many cases lost their livelihoods. Or, in many cases, it is still uncertain whether they will be able to return to their chosen careers. And many, many people are experiencing severe financial insecurity.

In addition to this, people whose lives were in transition--students expecting to celebrate their graduations have had to abruptly leave their schools without having the chance to say goodbye to their teachers and their friends. Everyone's travel plans and music concert plans and attendance at sporting events plans have been cancelled. The things we look forward to have been taken away, one by one.

Some of these things appear to be so small, so insignificant compared to bigger losses being experienced that we may be tempted to discount them as real losses.

But they are most definitely real. And, as with any losses we experience, they need to honored and acknowledged and grieved.

There's a big temptation right now to just gloss over all these "little" losses and pretend we haven't been all that affected by them. But I think that's a mistake. Because if there's one thing I know about grief is that if you won't let yourself feel it, it doesn't just go away. As a  wonderful colleague used to say "it'll just come back later and bite you in the butt!"

Sharon Salzberg (www.sharonsalzberg.com), a leading Buddhist practitioner recently said about grief and sadness: invite your sadness in the front door. It won't stay forever. It just needs to be acknowledged. But if you won't let it in, if you barricade your door and refuse to let it in, it will either "sneak down the chimney" and surprise you--you might find yourself crying for no apparent reason.

I was thinking the other day that its like a bomb blew up in all of our lives when the pandemic hit. We're still dazed and disoriented and trying to figure out how to put the pieces back together. And as many places begin to cautiously re-open the question remains; will it all blow up again?

I don't say any of this to spread doom and gloom. I say it to acknowledge just how much we are all coping with emotionally in the present moment. I think what's important to do is to invite your grief and fear into your front door and honor those feelings. Give yourself empathy, compassion and loving kindness. And offer this to others.

The beginning of our 5th week of being under stay at home orders has officially begun and here in Colorado the Governor will be slowly easing up the restrictions beginning next Monday. We will no longer be under requirements to stay at home except for essential trips or to participate in essential professions.
It will be a very gradual change from Stay At Home to Safer at Home, but I am glad to see that real progress has been made in Colorado and elsewhere, and the rate of newly diagnosed cases in Boulder county is increasing at only 2%. Also, hospital admissions are declining.

Afraid to Hope
We of course are not out of the woods yet and we will all need to be vigilant to prevent a reversal of the trend. However, there is a lot of FEAR about the easing of these restrictions. We are still in an unprecedented period of uncertainty. And that is very difficult to cope with emotionally.

When subjected to alarming and unsettling news day after day, week after week, month after month we naturally become much less optimistic about the future. We become afraid to hope.

The Evil Eye
But it goes beyond that too. Many cultures have some version of The Evil Eye--the belief that if you get too confident about your future or boast too much about all that you have the Evil Eye will take it all away.

Why? I don't know. But it makes sense because we tend to want to protect ourselves emotionally from more disappointment, failure and loss and we think we can do that by not being too optimistic.

Missing Out on Joy
But I think that if you do that too much you miss out on the moments of pure joy in life. And the truth is, being pessimistic does NOT protect you from the grief that ensues from being disappointed yet again. You feel that grief anyway.

What you do miss out on is celebrating the present moment.

So let's celebrate!!!

Welcome to week 3 of Staying at Home!
Ok so I think the vast majority of us are getting sick and tired of this by now but hopefully you are finding a new routine that keeps you occupied, interested in things and includes plenty of time for rest and reflection.

One thing that I've becoming increasingly aware of is just how much emotional energy it is taking to deal with this pandemic and the restrictions placed on our behaviors. It wasn't enough that they closed all the bars and restaurants and movies and music menus and gyms and libraries etc... then we had to maintain a strict 6 foot distance from other people (except those who we live with), and finally, at the beginning of last week we had to do all of that but also wear masks covering our mouths and nose  AND maintain 6 foot distances and stop going to grocery story so often. On top of that we still DON'T KNOW how long we are going to have to keep doing this or what life is going to even look like a few weeks or a few months from now. Plus there are the daily news reports of people who have died or afraid they are going to die and our worries about whether we or our loved ones are going to get the virus and die as well.

This is a lot to deal with psychologically.
Whether you are consciously focused on it or not, it is operating in the background all the time, like a radio that's just barely audible but causing constant irritation.

Because this is happening we have less "bandwidth" to cope with  other things, maybe even amazingly minor things like the toast getting burnt. With everything going on in the background you might just "lose it" over that damned piece of toast that you were so looking forward to eating this morning. Or it might be your partner makes a sarcastic comment or doesn't respond to something you've said in a way that makes you feel like they hear you. Or your dog has an accident in the house and you might need to take him to the Vet.

It might feel like the final straw.
When and if this happens give yourself a big hug, take a time-out, and go do something you love. And whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about it.

I think this reduced emotional bandwidth also helps to explain why a lot of us are so incredibly exhausted and/or can't focus very well or accomplish what we're used to being able to accomplish.

There's a huge energy drain going on right now. The more you're aware of it, the easier it may be to cut yourself (and others) some slack.

City of Boulder enforcing the Stay At Home! Rule *

Hello There!

We've made it through TWO FULL WEEKS of staying at home and maintaining social distancing! That is something to congratulate ourselves for! It has been, for most of us,  a disorienting, frightening, angering and depressing time but we have DONE IT! And it is truly making a difference here in Colorado and elsewhere (see chart from today's newspaper below).

HOWEVER, as we all know, we are not in the clear yet and we will probably be under these restrictions for quite awhile yet. So here are a few tips for maintaining your sanity gleaned from various different sources.

• As distancing physically from other people continues it is as vitally important to maintain your MENTAL HEALTH as it is to maintain your physical health.  You need to monitor your anxiety level on a daily, hourly, or even minute by minute basis and take proactive steps to reduce that anxiety.
• Ask yourself and your loved ones: WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST RIGHT NOW? The answers may surprise you, they most certainly will give you insight into what is grieving you the most right now. Parents who have asked their kids this question have heard some surprising answers like "I miss going to school" (this from kids who have always maintained how much they hate school. If you ask them to expand on what exactly they miss about not being in school you'll get even more insight. And if you carefully contemplate your own answer to that question you can find out what steps you need to take to make yourself feel less deprived. (Personally, at the moment I miss going out to restaurants with friends the most right now--eating good food someone else prepared, sharing good conversation, being around alot of other people laughing and have a good time).
  
• Brainstorm ways to fill that hole. Kids might need lots of on-line get togethers with their friends or to have a virtuaal conversation with a favorite teacher. There people doing all kinds of creative things on line via Zoom for FaceTime or Skype, like having happy hours together, doing crafts together, having coffee or even sharing dinners that they plan ahead so everyone is eating the same food.
  
• Ask yourself and loved ones: WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF RIGHT NOW? The answer to this question may shift from day to day but its an especially important one to ask when you are feeling highly anxious, angry or depressed. Again, try to tease out the answer until you get down the most prominent fear in the present moment. Give yourself a moment to just feel the full force of that fear, breathe deeply for a few moments and then ask yourself what the odds are of that thing happening. Try to be rational about it. Or write down that fear and come back to it later when you are feeling calmer and more hopeful.
  
• Do everything you can to STAY POSITIVE, to focus on good things that are happening and the progress that is being made in fighting this nasty virus. In Colorado right now, the number of new cases is not doubling at anywhere near the rate they were even two weeks ago. Keeping our distance from one another is WORKING!!